"I’ll never be alright until it’s all alright now."
I’ve always lived waiting for some future time or event to make me happy. “When I meet ‘her’ then I’ll be happy.” “As soon as I make enough money, then I’ll be alright.” “When I finally pay off my house, then I’ll feel secure.” Happiness, security, feeling alright was always tied to something I didn’t have right now – and that meant that in the present I was always irritable, restless or discontented. It was no wonder that I drank and used all the time.
In recovery, I learned a whole new way to live, and I was given tools to help me be present. “One day at a time,” was a huge help as I despaired at remaining sober forever. When I started worrying about not having enough money or health or companionship next month or next year, my sponsor would ask me if I had everything I needed right now. As we went through it, I admitted I had a roof over my head, money in my pocket, food to eat and a whole fellowship to draw support from. These and other tools helped me to stay present and appreciate that right now, I was alright.
I once read a saying by Pascal that really resonated with me: “All man’s miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone.” And that’s when I finally understood it all. Being able to be comfortable in my own skin regardless of what’s going on is the path to the happiness, security and contentment I always sought in some future event. The miracle is that this feeling is available to me right now, right here. In fact, I already have it.
Through working the Steps, I have discovered how to be alright, right now.